Nothing, Yet A Love Never Dying
by Peridot Tears
Summary: “I am nothing, as I was nothing, and yet, I loved. But I lost him. I lost him forever. Maybe, though, I can...love again? This Barn Owl...should I love him? He's so like Hoole...” Lutta fell in love, when it was so unlikely -- one thing led to another.
1. Prologue

**Nothing, Yet A Love Never Dying**

**_PT: So... I am writing a new fic -Eye twitch- I have so many fics going on now, so don't expect the fastest updates. Oh, yeah, in case anyone here reads my other Guardians of Ga'Hoole fic, SPECIAL INTERVIEW: LIVE and is waiting for its companion, Playbird, yes, Playbird is still going to be published. I wanted to improve the humor, since it's not in script format like SPECIAL INTERVIEW. I'm better with the simple script format humor. Anyways, so...I HATE Strumajen for what she did to Lutta. She's all "I had to kill her; she pretended to be my Emerilla" and I'm like "Fuck you! You actually go so far as to KILL her?!" Geez. So, a plot formed in my mind eventually a few months ago. Please R&R! I accept criticism as long as it's constructive. I haven't read Exile yet :( but when I do, I might use a lot of reference to it. ust, keep reading. Nuff said; READ IT!!_**

_Disclaimer: NO! If I did, I wouldn't be here -- at least, not in this fandom._

Prologue

--

Where am I?

Who am I?

_What_ am I?

Oh, right, I am nothing.

Didn't I...say that once?

I did, didn't I?

Then why...am I thinking?

What is _thinking_, anyway?

Wait...I'm nothing...but I loved someone. What was his name? Him?

Wait...it's Hoole. Yes, I remember now. His name was Hoole. Wasn't he a king? I loved him. But he loved another one. An owl -- she was something, wasn't she? She was a Spotted Owl. Something, while I was nothing.

I was nothing and I'm nothing now. And yet, I loved. Wasn't there a coal -- an ember? I was supposed to steal it and kill Hoole. But I didn't want to. I loved Hoole and I-I --

_I lifted a talon from what I was: a mound of dark feathers. It looked like I wanted that ember, that beautiful ember. But I didn't want it. I wanted to one holding it._

_I wanted Hoole._

_My gizzard -- it must have been a phantom gizzard, but a gizzard nonetheless -- twitched and throbbed. I can never have Hoole now._

_Yet, I wanted to touch him, have his acknowledgement one more time._

_Hoole's eyes widened and he flinched back; I could feel something within me dying. He thought I wanted the ember. Like some evil monster. Like Kreeth._

_"No," I whispered, "it was not the ember I wanted."_

_I was developing tunnel vision; I was dying. I was going to leave. Leave this world and Hoole._

_A single tear escaped me as I left. I did have a gizzard. I did. Ice-cold talons clutched at me, dragging me to death._

_"Hoole," I murmured as I left. I was sure that no one heard me, but I wanted him so much. It never will be._

_Oh, Hoole._

_As I disappeared forever, as I was dragged into the dark, a last thought escaped me._

Hoole.

--

"Is she awake yet?" Twilight muttered.

"No, not yet," Coryn replied. He touched the unconscious owl's face with a wing.

He waited for her to stir.

--

**_PT: Yup, that's all for now. I know, short, but the chapters will gradually grow bit by bit. I warn you, I have a happy talent for evilly placing cliffies down, as past readers have noticed._**

**_-Grins evilly-_**


	2. Who Are You?

**Nothing, Yet A Love Never Dying**

**_PT: I came back from Canada earlier this week. So, I decided to update! :D Unfortunately, I was signed up for a crap house that calls itself a summer school. With the amount of homework we're given, updates may be slower than usual. But I've pretty much got this story planned out. I just need to decide on the amount of chapters this fic will have._**

_Disclaimer: I do NOT own GoGH. I've never really considered writing about owls._

**FlamingSerpent **MINE TOO! :D

**technologychic29 **Yup :) Thanks.

**The Demonic Fox **Yes, there will be four significant pairings in the plot: LuttaxHoole, LuttaxCoryn, CorynxKalo, and EmerillaxHoole. Some of the stuff is going to get angsty. Real angsty.

Who Are You?

--

"Coryn! She's waking!" Soren hooted.

The unconscious owl before him shifted slightly, stirring.

"Finally!" Twilight rolled his eyes as the Band and Coryn joined the Barn Owl. "We've waited for three straight days!"

"I know!" Soren replied, and shifted aside to let the others into Coryn's hollow.

"Tell me again," Gylfie said as she let Coryn get in front of her, "why we've waited for this one owl to stir?"

"Because," Coryn said -- the unconscious owl shifted again -- "I think she's...Lutta."

"She is a hagsfiend," Gylfie agreed. "Definitely. But why do you think she is Lutta?"

Coryn gave a puzzled shrug. "I don't know," he replied honestly. "It's just something my gizzard tells me..."

"You must be the only one with a sensitive gizzard then," Twilight put in, half joking, "I don't feel anything at all. I think a certain Burrowing owl has..."

Coryn twittered slightly. "Yes, turned it on."

The five owls twittered with Coryn for a moment.

"Where's Otulissa?" Twilight added.

"Hunting, I'm afraid," Soren answered.

"Racdrops!" Gylfie gave Twilight a nudge for his curse. "She'll kill me for not telling her to come when the owl wakes up!"

''Well, we must all face her wrath later," Soren churred.

"Look!" Coryn beckoned with his wing, and the others followed it.

"She's awake!"

--

I wonder..._who are you_?

As I stirr, I can see shapes. Shapes?

Owls, apparently.

Who are you?

What do you want with me?

As I open my eyes -- have I been sleeping? -- I can see them staring at me. What is that expression on their faces?

Twigs and something soft touch my being, the twigs crackling. I'm in -- a nest?

These owls, their sillhouettes are huge in my eyes.

Is Hoole among them? Is Emerilla? Or -- my gizzard, be it real or not, gives a jerk -- even Strix Strumajen?

But no...it can't be...

My blurry eyes can see no spots -- none that are the ones blurring my vision. But blinking helps. Perhaps.

I blink once, on this impulse. Then again...again...harder... Yes, blinking clear the spots of light in my sight.

Once...twice...three times. Thrice.

I blink a little more, a little harder, as my eyes start clearing up.

By now, I can see -- a Barn owl...two, actually...

There's a Burrowing owl, naked legs outstretched. There is also a -- I blink my eyes a little more, trying to focus them -- a small gray owl. I focus a little more, trying to focus more.

It's an Elf owl. No wonder I had trouble seeing it; so small.

There is one final one; I turn my gaze to him. I squint, but he's hard to see. I focus some more.

It suddenly strikes me as curious; these owls are not saying anything.

I lift a hooked talon, trembling -- quivering with caution.

"Who--" I try to whisper, say something -- anything at all -- but my throat is dry. Invisible sand is stuck there.

More alarmingly, I notice that the owls still aren't saying anything. Are they real at all--?

No, they're warm. They're warm with the heat of life. None of them are cooling. I can feel it, from here, in this nest -- while they're standing a little ways around me.

I try not to shrink back -- to look weak right now might provoke them to treat me roughly; I don't know if they are friend or foe yet -- as I already know that there is one of me, and more of them. I discover that they are now surrounding me.

Suddenly, they're moving. Now, I really shrink back, as the Barn owl -- the smaller one, perhaps younger -- suddenly hands me a nut cup of some fluid.

I don't know why, but I am suddenly taking it. Perhaps it is impulse.

"Drink it," the owl says kindly; he is a male, from the voice. "You can speak."

But...but -- but! -- I am a hagsfiend! Can they see that?

I quickly glance down at my wing, not wishing to stare too long if I am to see the ugliness that Hoole had always detested.

I force back tears as I see the thing I don't want to; nor ever want to see again.

Long, dark sweeping feathers. Ragged. Intact, but with no visible half-hags. That is an improvement, but only slight. I am clearly a hagsfiend.

They should hate me.

As I look up again, the young Barn owl's eyes meet mine.

And a strike of lightning buries itself into my heart.

Those eyes...they're Hoole's! They are Barn owl eyes, pitch-black, dark without a trace of yellow.

And yet...those eyes. They are Hoole's eyes.

They gleam with kindness, justice.

"Go ahead, Lutta." Say my name again. Please! It sounds so sweet; you are acknowledging me! Only me! And you are being kind about it! You know me!

Without another word, I swig down the nut cup's -- still clutched in my claws; liquid yet untouched -- contents.

The sweetness of the juice, I have tasted it before. What, but I cannot remember? But, I must remember...

But the sand in my throat is gone.

I can speak clearly now -- hopefully.

"Wh-Who...are you?" The question that I need to know the most right now.

Who are you?

--

**_PT: Yes, well. Lutta was so distracted by Coryn's eyes that she didn't really suspect the milkberry tea. Or anything, for that matter. I'm hoping to keep this nice and slow :) I need to explain why she starts loving Coryn and everything. Please review._**


	3. These Fading Memories

**Nothing, Yet A Love Never Dying**

_**PT: I don't know if you count this as late or what, but thanks for the reviews! :D If I find the right time, I'll update the chapter after this :) Like, some time this month? Don't really ount on it, though. I've started school this Tuesday, and I've got to be a bit more serious because I'm having my high school exams -- and I'm taking tennis on Sundays. I turned 13 last month :) It feels weird; I'm a teen at last... Anyways, yeah, I'll be busy...though I might find time, not sure yet...**_

_Disclaimer: I'm FREAKING 13. -Gasps for breath- Does that give you the impression of a writer OLDER than that?_

**FlamingSerpent **Heheh, I'm happy :) Thanks!

**Ori-hime-Shinigami01 **Glad you like it :D I'll try to! :3

**Pinefur of DragonClan **Lutta is AWESOME :)

**Lara-van **:D! Thank you!

**Eater of Crayons **Thank you ;) Same opinions here. I was SO mad when Strumajen killed Lutta xO

These Fading Memories

--

An unpleasant silence fills the air; it does not lift. The owls all look uneasy. I can't wait for an answer. What are they, waiting for a feather to float from the treetop to the ground until speaking?

I shift a bit, warily letting my eyes dart from one owl to the other -- but my eyes are trained on the Barn Owl the most.

Like Hoole...so like Hoole...

He turns a bit, and our eyes meet directly.

I can't describe it...in this next moment, I don't look away, how awkward it seems. I stare into his eyes. They're like Hoole's... They are Barn Owl eyes, but Hoole's eyes. They're his eyes...Hoole's eyes...

They hold that light of valor, justice, that one glow that I always made me feel my gizzard twitch in the bottom of my heart.

Hoole...

He never wanted me, did he? He loved me, but only who I was pretending to be. He never loved me, only Emerilla...lucky owl.

I just wanted to belong -- because I was nothing -- and he gave me that. He was so fair, so kind...he gave me something even Kreeth could not.

Mum and Da -- Ygryk and Pleek -- were supposed to be my parents. I was supposed to be their chick, Lutta. Yet they left me. They talked about me behind my back...I was a freak. My own parents loathed me. Oh, they tried, but they left in the end. They didn't love me.

Kreeth used me.

No one really loved me, or even looked at me normally. All I was was a freak, nothing at all.

Then _he_ came along.

Him, Hoole. The only one who let me belong, looked at me with kindness in his gaze, not looking like I was a...monster...

Why was I born? Not one person cared about me. I was just freak my parents didn't want, a weapon for auntie's uses, and a fake to my only love. He cared, but didn't know me. In the end, I was a monster to him too.

Now I'm back. And now I wonder...

I suddenly stiffen as I think up to a thought.

"What happened?" I shoot up and stare into those kind eyes. I trust him to answer. "Please, who _are_ you? Where am I? Where's...Where's"--I choke up, but the question is already on my tongue--"Hoole?" My talons clench as the name leaves me.

At once, I see sympathy clearly written over their faces. A pang enters my heart. Sympathy for me? A nothing?

"Lutta." Sweet words again, and I suddenly wonder how this Barn Owl knows my name. "It's hard to explain, but please..."

"Listen carefully." Everyone, including me, jumps as the Great Gray speaks -- in a rather booming voice -- for the first time. The Elf Owl frowns at him. The older Barn Owl gives him a quick nudge.

Words tumble from the young Barn Owl's beak. "Lutta, we read about you in legends. It's been a long time since you were...

"Well, you're at the Great Ga'Hoole Tree, and it's been a long time since you were..." His voice dies down as he hesitates.

"Dead," the older Barn Owl finishes. He says it with that sympathy shown in his eyes. "It's been thousands of years from your time, and we read about you from some legends about some...events..." He clears his throat, determined to go on.

"Coryn here"--a gesture at the young Barn Owl--"is the king. I'm his uncle, Soren. This is Gylfie"--a gesture at the Elf Owl, who nods in greeting--"Twilight," the Great Gray, "and Digger"--what a funny looking Burrowing Owl.

"My uncle and his friends are called the Band," Coryn adds.

I let this newfound information seep in.

Thousands of years? Could this be possible? I was dead, right? It's been so long -- and...I was dead?

How...?

_"I have a GIZZARD!"_

_"You do not have a gizzard, you fool! you idiot! I created you."_

_"You created me, but I created this gizzard!"_

_"No!"_

What is this?

_"Emerilla?"_

_He turns as I change. He knows now...what am I to do? Dismay spreads through my body. He'll probably think I'm a freak too, and he'll hate me. But I love him!_

_In the next second, I'm flying at him. Adrenline floods me as I feel...am I losing myself? This gref... He'll hate me now._

_I slam into him, and he flies backward._

_"I love you!" I want to scream. I want to scream those three words. To let him understand. I want to scream, "I love you!"_

_Then, an enexpected blow to the back of my head. Pain. Unexpected pain. Then talons, stopping me in my tracks. Talons...digging into me, slashing everywhere. My vision spins to red._

_I'm being ripped apart at the seams._

_Torn._

_No..._

_Why are you...?_

_I sink, and I fall apart, literally. My feathers fall off, as my body becomes a lump of darkness. A lump of feathers. I truly am nothing..._

_You'd expect a real body when one is torn by claws -- and yet...feathers only._

_My phantom gizzard lurches._

_"Half-hags!"_

_"I had to kill her." WHY? "She pretended to be my Emerilla." Is that all! I'm going to die like this! Just because I was an imposter! "I knew from the start that something was not right about her. A blood deception she was -- a hagsfiend."_

_Anger -- hot, seeping rage enters me. And cold feelings. Feeling that make me want to shed tears._

_"No!" I manage._

_"Who are you?"_

Who?_ Hoole...you accept me as someone? Hoole..._

_"I am nothing...and yet, I loved..."_

_I loved..._

"Lutta?"

"Hey! Are you all right?"

"What's wrong? Lutta!"

I sink down as my mind spins. Then, I black out.

--

All was dark except for the fluttering movement of wings -- brown wings.

A Barn Owl shifted in the branches of the magnificent tree, her dark eyes gleaming as she looked into the hollow.

How strange that she could get so close to the tree so easily. She was but a sillhouette against the branched skies.

She eyed the hollow, and the inhabitants. Her son...too bad she would have to kill him. He would have made a fine pure owl, had he not inherited his uncle's stupid softness.

She could just kill him, right there and then.

How easy, that everything she had been working for for the last few months would just be completed now, so easily.

She could easily snatch the ember, then swoop in and kill Coryn, his disgraceful uncle, and get her dear mate's -- rest his soul -- revenge. Then, kill those pathetic owls that were always around Soren, and anyone else she comes across in the tree, just for a bonus. It would be wonderful to see their pained, stupefied faces as she sank her claws through their feathers, one by one.

Then she saw the hagsfiend, and her eyes widened in horror.

_I am the last! How is this possible? Why is she in that hollow!_

She could just kill her as well -- but her eyes caught something, and her gizzard twitched. No...she'll just stay back and observe. This hagsfiend could prove some use to her and...

Sadistic impulse shot through Nyra's gizzard. The adoring gleam in the hagsfiend's eye as she stared at Nyroc.

No, she'll wait.

Nyra silently spread her wings and swooped into the night sky.

She had plotting to do.

--

**_PT: Please, enjoy :) I hope I can fill up some holes in the story as soon as I can. Though, they're there for suspense. Please review!_**


	4. The Great Tree

**Nothing, Yet A Love Never Dying**

_**PT: THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING, EVERYONE!! Enjoy!**_

**_I have a little more to say: I know the last book already came out, and I've finished it already. I'm a little stunned, but in courtesy of those who have not yet finished it, I won't spoil it. However, despite the end, I'm continuing the fic the way it is. I've just noticed how much I've been neglecting the story O.o Anyways, I was rather...displeased with a few stories stuck in the GoGH fandom, and while I was planning to leave it after finishing this fic, I might a few more fics for this. Not that I have hubris...I just...don't know...I just think I'll contribute to the fandom with a few fics of angst :D_**

_Disclaimer: If it would come to pass that I AM Kathryn Lasky after all...I'll need to edit all my permanent records and leave FF, ne?_

**Anani Mouse **Thank you, thank you so much :D -Head swells-

**Frosted Fate **Yeah, poor Lutta D: Wish Hoole ended up with her.

**One of the Populace **Oh...-sobs- Hi! :D

**FlamingSerpent **Thanks! I'm flattered x) True, Nyra's so important to the plot -- being sadistic and plotting revenge, among other things :)

**Hawkrain **I'm glad you're eager :D Thanks for reviewing and liking it! :)

**Lara-Van **Thank you, thank you -bows- X) It's great that you think that; cheered me right up ;)

The Great Tree

--

_I can make them hurt..._

_My Mum and Da. I can make them feel the pain that they've put on me. They can hurt, and I'd be able to do it to them. A change in our positions is want I want so badly, and they'd taste the bile they stuck in my throat._

_They left me...they left me, their chick Lutta. Theirs._

_I have the power now -- to make them hurt. I can make them hurt._

I can make them hurt...

--

"Lutta!"

_Stop slapping me._

"Lutta, wake up!" Slap.

_Stop slapping me with your wing, it stings._

Slap. Slap. "WAKE UP, Lutta." Slap. Slap.

_Stop it! I'm trying to--_

"Lutta, please!"

_...Hoole?_

_Hoole's voice!_

I flick my eyelids open -- all four of them -- at the same time. Hoole?

No, it's Coryn. Just Coryn.

"Lutta, are you all right?" The way he looks at me...it's like Hoole. So much like Hoole.

"I'm fine," I answer, and immediately scan my surroundings. Perhaps I have become overly paranoid with time, but I can't be sure. In any case, I can't let my guard down in this case; I could find myself dead in a second, just like that I died in an instant -- killed by Strix Strumajen. I shudder, remembering the memory of being ripped. Ripping, ripping, tearing, blood, pain--

Death.

And then...

Well, I don't want to think about what I don't remember. After that, there was nothing but a cluster of memories of what happened within death--

Falling. Falling...

Floating...unraveling...flowing through the winds...becoming one with nature...then falling....

Falling, falling downwards, a curse uttered upon my kind: "To hagsmire."

Hagsmire, where the ones who have sinned within their lives went, for eternal damnation. Hagsmire, for hagsfiends, and...and...

Nothings.

Nothings -- they who mean nothing to the world, who should never have entered this life, this realm of breathing.

Falling, agony, curses, darkness, cold hate. Those flaws of what life and death decide. And nothings. Nothings, like me. Nothing.

Snap out of it. I don't want to remember. Of being one of the damned. And now I'm back.

Why?

"Lutta?" -- and I look up.

Hoole -- no, Coryn. Coryn, the Barn Owl. Unconsciously, I stare at him with huge eyes that deserve to pop out of their sockets. "Yes?" I say.

Oh Coryn, please don't look at me like that. You look like Hoole, please, don't look sympathic...please don't...I want it but you don't have to give it. Can you not see that my heart has already been broken?

"Lutta," he says, softly, and gives me a tender nudge with his wing. "Can you stand?"

I nod, because I cannot find myself shaking my head. "Yes." Can my legs work?

He steps back slightly, to give me room, and I try to remember how to use legs again. Now, I just...position them...and push upwards...

A searing pain.

My legs! They hurt! They hurt! Fall down again -- No, I can't. I can't fall; I've told Coryn that I will stand, will be able, and I will not lie; not anymore; I have already lied and tricked Hoole, I will not do so again, not to any owl. Nor this owl. This owl, who stares with the eyes of a true king. A young king, but a wise one, and a good one.

With difficulty, I stagger forward, out of the small nest. I feel the bark underneath my claws as I step on it; bark again, how it brings back thoughts of those days. It feels a bit unfamiliar, but I cannot forget bark. Such a thing is pathetic.

I feel my legs quivering, wanting to give way, but no. No. I have said that I will stand. How they quiver! -- stop it. Stop quivering! I have said I will walk, and I will walk, even if this pain continues -- like fire searing at me, numbing in a way. I will not lie again. Deception has torn me once before; never again.

I look at Coryn, see the concern in his eyes; he hesitates to step forward, wanting to help. No, I can do it. Please. Let me.

I walk, a little faster, wanting my legs to stride. They work, a little better.

I look at Coryn again, and I ask, "Where am I?"

"The Great Ga'Hoole Tree."

Silence.

My breathe hitches quickly. "The..." I pause, mind spinning and reeling. The Tree? The Great Ga'Hoole Tree, that was reigned over by...Hoole? "Tree?" The Tree. The Great Ga'Hoole Tree.

And my mind explodes. "Th -- Then!" I jump as I begin stuttering. "The Ga'Hoole Tree! I -- I don't belong here! I am nothing! I lo--

"Hoole, he...NO! I am a disgrace! My presence is dirtying this tree!" I back away, seeking some sort of exit. I don't belong here. No. I am defiling the Tree. How long has it been since the last time I was here? I deceived the good king, I nearly killed him -- he was a great king, and a great owl! I don't deserve to be here! How many good owls reside in this tree now, the Tree that was grown by -- as rumor says -- the sorrow and goodness of Hoole? I don't belong here!

Coryn jumps now. Please, no!

"Lutta!" he says, eyes flashing with some sort of fire that started. "You are not!" Not? But...Hoole! Hoole! -- please no! You--!

I stare, transfixed, as I see Coryn change. I don't see Coryn anymore. I see...you.

Hoole.

Eyes, eyes that spoke of what you believed in. Your sense of love for those close to you, your fiery will that would see indiscrimation to the very end. I'm sorry Hoole! I deceived you! I am everything you are not! -- and should not be! I am NOTHING!

I back away, seeing Hoole. He steps forward, that look in his eyes-- "You deserve to be here! You--"

I stumble backwards as I shriek, "Hoole! Don't! Don't you understand!" Now is my time to confess! I never told him that I was--

I'm sorry Hoole. I'm so sorry!

"Lutta!" The owl before me is -- He's pleading! No, I don't deserve it! "Lutta, you do! Just as any owl!"

My gizzard throbs, beating against its surroundings. I stare upwards, feeling it grow cold. "NO! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE HERE! I AM NOTHING! I -- DO -- NOT -- BELONG -- HERE! I AM..." My gizzard gives a jerk. My throat fills with pebbles; "Nothing...." My words are choked. It's true.

I am nothing.

I don't deserve to be here, at the Great Tree.

--

**_PT: Like? Hate? Please review. I hope to update soon. Fill up the plot holes, twist the story...you know._**


	5. Move Again, Step By Step

**Nothing, Yet A Love Never Dying**

**_PT: I really need to update more often. xD -Shot- ...-looks out window- Well, I thought I'd take some advantage. Now that I'm in high school, and in the JROTC program, I've joined the drill team that saps up all the members' time. But as of this month practice has been cancelled until further notice. Now I have the energy and time for writing, so yeah -shrugs-_**

_Disclaimer: I fangirl over Japanese singers (8D at the J-boys) and I'm pretty sure Kathryn Lasky isn't that crazy._

**FlamingSerpent **I know, right? So sad...last book...oh the nostalgia....

**PokemonKnight **Yes, isn't that talent just so impressive? x) -shot- Thank you.

**silverrosetail **Thank you, and thanks for the further information ^^ Hopefully, once this is pointed out, things will definitely unfold a little more.

**SamPD **Mmhm...since I've already replied to you...

**Crazydragonlord **Thank you~! n_n I appreciate that.

Move Again, Step By Step

--

Nyra glanced down at the small bit of parchment in her right claw, squinting slightly to make out the ancient words. The Kraakish scrawled upon it was old, but young enough for her to translate.

The general of the Pure Ones had to stop the glee that was bubbling upwards in her gizzard -- _no, not yet, when this isn't confirmed to work_ -- but she allowed herself to flush slightly with success. For the sake of her sanity and her own feelings of encouragement.

Success was near...

Nearing...

...Bit -- by -- bit.

"Yes." A glint came to concentrated eyes. "This is it."

--

I look up. Consciousness is drifting back with a comforting steadiness. It comes kindly, but firmly. But I let it come.

Hell.

My body aches -- all of it, it aches and hurts and pinches itself. It's a twisted rag -- I'm a twisted rag.

Hoole. Coryn.

Oh...

I shouldn't be here.

The thought is fire, or else ice.

I shouldn't be here.

I don't deserve to be here. My thoughts are taking flight from where they have left off. I don't deserve to be here. Of course I don't.

I look around as my vision clears; he is not here...Coryn, was it? No one is here.

My phantom gizzard -- phantom, yes... -- speaks...it sends a jolt of alarm. Warning. They have left me. They must have. Kind as they seemed to be, they must have left me here...in this hollow...perhaps wanting me to leave on my own, too disgusted to act. A saddening thought. They acknowledged me, though, and they were kind. Perhaps they saw through to something...

But that's reality, is it not? -- of course, freak that I am; player of the confidant game that I am...an actor, nothing more. There is no real me.

My grief has quieted.

I should leave then -- it cracks my phantom gizzard in half -- this is the tree; and I am nothing. I shall leave then...go somewhere else to rot, quietly, for the peace. This tree has something...something...that revives Hoole's life. I wonder, then...if he is looking down here. I wonder what he is thinking. At least he is at peace. There is no me to disturb him, and I shall bother him no more in this tree.

Hoole. I am sorry. I don't deserve any of your love. And I will not bother Coryn. He reminds me so much of you.

I turn to face the opening of the hollow, veiled by lichen. Pretty. How alive. There is air outside; nighttime seeps through the fleshy fibers. Cool air, and a wide expanse. Shall I fly till the end of my miserable days?

I shift; I can move. Then I can leave. There is no reason to stay here, of course...this is Hoole's home; I shall not taint it.

Oh, it's silent -- I can't believe it took so long for me to notice it; my feathers are rustling -- I must look ugly -- and my feet shift. I can move. This is life. I am alive. Truly, truly alive. I cannot tell what exact state I am in, but I know I must be a mess. But outside I can release, can I not? Release, and perhaps become one with nature, earth or sky. There is a whole world out there, limitless. I can wander till the end of my days, past even the confinements of the land we owls know. Beyond the beyond the beyond. I fear no danger; in fact, the danger can come, and I shall not care if it kills me. I am an owl -- whatever I am -- with nothing to lose and nothing to gain. Then I am ready.

I listen one more time, pause, before beginning the endless journey. Nothing. There is nothing but the hum of silence, scratching in cadence. I must be desperate to stay, as if I truly deserve it. I don't. I cannot stop thinking about this; I deserve nothing. I am nothing, after all. If I am damned to this line of reality for this whole retake at life, then so be it.

Then, I will take my leave. Good riddance, then. My eyes mist.

When I shake my head to clear the fog, I hop forward -- painful -- and I manage to walk. I can do this. There is the opening; I will go now. I must be cherishing the whisper of lush wind. I will go.

I will go.

With a shake of my ruffled feathers, I jump out, brush through the lichen that caresses my wings in farewell -- with pity? -- and snap my wings open. A prickling sensation. With a quick look downwards, as the world rushes in, I see the silver-gray plumage restored to my chest. A shapeshifter again.

--

Coryn watched the candle before him splutter wetly, in its final throes of death. Though fire was life, it needed something to last. Something that helped it, hurled it onward. Without, it would die, die and scream. Then it would fall silent and blow out of existence. And that would be that. Died, and was dead. But undoubtedly, irrevocably, dead.

How, then...how? -- how did a dead owl, undoubtedly gone for years upon years upon years...how could a dead owl rise, fresh and breathing, from the dead? This was illogical, and beyond the illogical itself. Of course there could be attempts to raise the dead, but...the body. And the sheer closeness to impossibility. Lutta, the owl of legend, was alive after being dead for so long. How...? Her body must have withered and become nothing but food for the earth to devour greedily. Though the beyond of the horizon of the logical was boundless, this was still...

How, he mused. How. That was what he was pursuing. How? How? How?

How had she returned to the earth? Was she an illusion? -- if so, she was something beyond illusion...she was too perfect to be something to be called a mere illusion.

Coryn mused onward as he turned back to the sheafs of paper -- he had left Lutta for the pursuit of something...something that could shed its light upon the happenings.

So long ago.

Lutta.

Was this a work of nachtmagen?

There was that possibility, faded as the yellow craft was.

Then who had performed it?

Coryn could not grab it; he snatched at empty air. There was nothing to tell him. Nothing that anything could tell him, nor aid him. This was an enigma beyond most anagrams of matters. This was a mess. He had found her, Lutta, merely lying on some branch of the tree. And, through some urging of the gizzard, he had brought her back into the tree itself. This made little sense.

He dived into another pool of thoughts. What if...?

There was a bang; he jumped and turned. There was a curse of "raccdrops!" Twilight.

Coryn called, one wing still laid flat over a book, "What's going on?"

More cursing, followed by Gylfie's reprimands.

There was a loud whirlwind of a flutter, and soon the whole Band was within the room!

"What?" Coryn said loudly at the undignified relative of a heap before him. "What's happened?" Something shot through his gizzard.

Soren spoke first, in a rushed but determined voice. "She's gone!"

Another shot. Something like cold fear and wonder.

"She's gone!" Gylfie wailed. "Lutta's gone!"


End file.
